I’m such a terrible person. I’m falling back into the cycle. The cycle of “We’re happy, I love you, us against the world, we’re done, I hate you, well maybe it wasn’t so bad…” And it starts all over again.
Matt makes me so weak. I love him. I can’t help it. So now, I tell nobody. It’s only between us two.
I know everyone will judge me, even my best friends.
But when you love someone, you hold on even after all the shit you’ve been through.
Today was so lovely. It was the first time I’ve seen him in quite some time.
We laid in his bed & kissed & laughed & made love. We kissed with such passion. He held me close. He pulled me tight. He gave me that look.
He has those eyes you just can’t resist. The eyes that make you melt. The eyes that could make you do absolutely anything.
Ughhhhh. I miss him. And today, I noticed that he was and always will be a huge part of me.
Matthew Vaughn Jefferson, I’m madly in love with you. I’d give up the world for you. Don’t break me into pieces again. I really trust you.
How can I be screaming so loud, yet nobody can hear me?
On September 8th, my ex-best friend wrote me. I literally cried my eyes out. He’s at basic training for the Navy, but still… He’s far away. I miss him. So much. I miss our friendship.. And the love we had. I miss telling him everything & him telling me about his failing love life. I miss sleeping over his house & staying up all night to watch movies. I miss the long walks we’d take just to lay in the road and gaze at stars.
I miss the simplicity of having someone who was mine.
Although we were best friends, he was mine and I was his. I don’t care who you are or how you look at it, we were what we were.
We always promised forever, and I guess even after a few fights we meant it. Nothing can tear us apart. Best friends for life.
Like I promised a long, long time ago. I’ll always be here when he comes home.. No matter who else is or isn’t. I’ll be here.
How many nights of thinking does it take?
How many days spent dreaming will make you realize?
How many thoughts need to rush through your mind before you acknowledge it?
How many more hours until you know you’re not good enough?
How many more minutes until it hits you?
How many more seconds until you notice that I’m no longer noticing you?
There’s no worse feeling than the feeling of loneliness.
Not being alone, but feeling alone.
You could have the entire world on your side, yet you feel like you’re on your own.. I’ve been feeling like that lately.
I’ll walk with pride, a smile on my face, and a million thoughts going through my mind
I can’t do this anymore. I’m bent so far that I’m about to snap. There’s no repairing me.
I’m such a horrible, horrible person. I act like everything is fucking peachy. I act like my life is fine, minus a few bumps in the road.
I’ve been lying to everyone lately. I’m not fine at all. Things are not okay. And I’m sure as hell not okay.
I know I shouldn’t blame one problem for another, but I am. I’m such a whore. I fucking disappoint myself.
My ex? The one I have no feelings for? The one I want to chase me. The one I want to need me. Lolololol, yeah, him…
I told myself I wouldn’t give in, cause yanno, I don’t like him. I don’t care anymore. And that’s completely true. It really is. But yesterday. Boy, yesterday was a day. I decided to have sex with him. Completely meaningless sex.
It felt good.. It honestly felt great. While I was with him, I just kept thinking ‘he’s a piece of shit, but I love him and this has no meaning’. I was disgusted with myself. I went home and showered and cried for hours on end.
I let him win. I let him get me. I had sex because I am hurting. And I don’t care that I did it. But for some reason I felt so disgusting.
I don’t know how to feel about this. I don’t want him. But I want the figure of him; a guy who cares, but not enough. A guy who ‘loves’ but doesn’t suffocate. A guy who makes you feel special but keeps you in your place. I don’t know…
This time around I feel he honestly has changed, but not completely. I can yell you, whoever may be reading this, that he isn’t as harsh anymore. He pays attention & starts conversations. He comes when I need it & we stay up all night together. He held me with care & pulled me in tight.
I don’t know what the point of this was. But I needed to get it out.
Today… today was a long day.
I saw my ex for the first time in almost a year. Actually, I talked to him for the first time in almost a year.. I’ve seen him a few times, but we haven’t talked.
It’s so weird seeing him. Things definitely aren’t the same. He had that look in his eyes. That ‘forgive me & let me fool you all over again’ look. The sad part is, I almost fell for it.
We sat and talked for quite some time. It was silent at times, but that comfortable silence. We didn’t know what to say. We were unsure of how to make eachother comfortable. But in a way, he had made me comfortable the second I saw him.
I love him… Without a doubt. But I know he’s no good for me. I know he’ll destroy me in a heartbeat.
Matt has this thing about him. Something that makes you love him and hate him so much at once. I’m so comfortable with him. I could look so ugly yet feel so beautiful. I could feel like shit and he would pick me up. But.. I also knew the other side of him. Sometimes, he’d kick me when I was down. He would make me feel worthless. I know, that sounds horrible, but I always overlook it. Now… Now I won’t. I know better.
Matthew Vaughn Jefferson.. I love you with everything I have to give, but we can’t do this. Don’t make me your number one. Don’t make me feel special. Don’t make me think it’s different this time. Don’t make me break again.
Once upon a time, there lived a sad and lost girl. She used to be happy and full of love, until one day there was heartbreak. There’s a cycle in her life.
She once found love & fell out of it.. Or so she thought. With that heartbreak, she found new love. Love that comforted her, love that gave her hope. That love came to an abrupt end. Almost as if she jumped off a cliff.
The girl didn’t have hope; she became lost, as if she was dropped in the forest and couldn’t find her way home. Her eyes were blank and her motions were motionless. Some said she was heartbroken, others said she was crazy.
This sad, sad girl thought she lit the flame back up of her first love and was she happy, or what. Unfortunately, their love story was ended soon after; they were at their last chapter.
Once upon a time, a sad and lonely girl finally found hope.
This is my best friend. Or old best friend. We don’t talk anymore either.
This is the ex. I was madly in love & sorta still am.
This was our friendship, Anon. I wish I hadn’t erased our pictures. But these sum it all up.